Kirjahaku

Selma Brazinsky is an average-looking, thirty-four-year-old, single, full-figured woman who has never had an earth-shattering orgasm with any man. Almost as frustrating are her Mama's attempts to fix her up with one loser after another. So Selma joins the Love Connection, an Internet dating service, tagging herself, "Experience Wanted Sally."She meets men all right. There's "Barrel of Laughs Mike," who needs sniffs of oxygen at the most inconvenient times, "Harvey the Ballroom Dancer," whose feet are numb due to diabetes, and long-bearded "Big Bubba" who reminds her of the Duck Dynasty guys. Then along comes Jessie, the lovable porn-shop owner whose kinky toys, costumes, and sexual finesse overwhelm her. Is he the one? Can Selma finally abandon her Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Tom Hanks rubber dildos forever?In this hilarious, page-turning novel, Selma admits right off the bat that she's a slut, and goes on to recount the adventures that have earned her the right to claim she's that infamous four-letter word.

Poor Sabina Sunday She's 30 years old, 100 pounds overweight, an unwilling virgin, and an accountant in a modeling agency full of lovely, skinny women. To make matters worse, she lives with her nagging Jewish mother, who never lets her forget that she isn't married and is wrong about everything.But things look up one day when Sabina overhears her boss refer to her as "that fat sausage." That's when she joins Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and Overeaters, determined to shed the pounds and change her life. At her very first Weight Watchers meeting, she meets Thomas, a neurotic Italian shrink, who overeats to compensate for his inability to cope with his practice and the mysterious murder of two of his patients.As they conquer the scales together, Sabina and Thomas's friendship grows, but so do their problems. They find themselves stalked by a killer, and Sabina's mother and her denture-clacking cronies decide to get involved in the investigation, only to wind up in a prison cell filled with colorful prostitutes.You'll ache with sympathy for Sabina's battle with the bulge, shiver as she comes up against a murderer, and laugh as she and the whole zany cast of characters get involved in one outrageous situation after another.About the Author: A.R. Alan is a born storyteller. Even in first grade, she became notorious for scribbling stories on scraps of paper. When she wasn't doing that, she'd have her nose buried in a book, soaking up other peoples' stories. Reading and writing stories became lifelong passions, and she's currently finishing her eleventh novel.Worldwide travel and a career that brought her in touch with a never-ending stream of interesting personalities and celebrities fanned her already fertile imagination over the years, and validate the vivid, multi-dimensional characters that people her novels.She is also an avid environmentalist, and played a major role in saving a New Jersey/New York mountain range from developers. It will remain open space forever.Previously writing under the name of B.B. Carter, she has had many short stories, poems, and five novels published. She has also penned comedic material for Joan Rivers.

Poor Sabina Sunday She's 30 years old, 100 pounds overweight, an unwilling virgin, and an accountant in a modeling agency full of lovely, skinny women. To make matters worse, she lives with her nagging Jewish mother, who never lets her forget that she isn't married and is wrong about everything.But things look up one day when Sabina overhears her boss refer to her as "that fat sausage." That's when she joins Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and Overeaters, determined to shed the pounds and change her life. At her very first Weight Watchers meeting, she meets Thomas, a neurotic Italian shrink, who overeats to compensate for his inability to cope with his practice and the mysterious murder of two of his patients.As they conquer the scales together, Sabina and Thomas's friendship grows, but so do their problems. They find themselves stalked by a killer, and Sabina's mother and her denture-clacking cronies decide to get involved in the investigation, only to wind up in a prison cell filled with colorful prostitutes.You'll ache with sympathy for Sabina's battle with the bulge, shiver as she comes up against a murderer, and laugh as she and the whole zany cast of characters get involved in one outrageous situation after another.About the Author: A.R. Alan is a born storyteller. Even in first grade, she became notorious for scribbling stories on scraps of paper. When she wasn't doing that, she'd have her nose buried in a book, soaking up other peoples' stories. Reading and writing stories became lifelong passions, and she's currently finishing her eleventh novel.Worldwide travel and a career that brought her in touch with a never-ending stream of interesting personalities and celebrities fanned her already fertile imagination over the years, and validate the vivid, multi-dimensional characters that people her novels.She is also an avid environmentalist, and played a major role in saving a New Jersey/New York mountain range from developers. It will remain open space forever.Previously writing under the name of B.B. Carter, she has had many short stories, poems, and five novels published. She has also penned comedic material for Joan Rivers.

Lila, Sheila, and Greta are middle-aged housewives married to sex-challenged older men. Their solution is ingenious and wicked. The delicious home-baked chocolate cupcakes they feed their husbands are laced with sex-enhancing drugs. The women are deliriously happy until the pills run out, and Jerry's doctor refuses to renew the prescription."I need passion, excitement, adventure," Sheila tells her friends. "We have to do something, or the three of us are going to shrivel up and die."So the feisty women plan a daring heist at a local supermarket pharmacy to stock up on more of that "sweet elixir of life." For more excitement, Sheila sneaks into their clubhouse movie theatre and exchanges the scheduled film for a raunchy, pornographic, flick that'd curl the hairs in a rabbi's beard. The elderly moviegoers stampede out of the clubhouse in a mad panic, which causes a couple of heart attacks.You'll scream, laugh out loud, cheer, and cry as you follow these brazen, reckless women's pursuit of sex, fun, and happiness, and you'll never again think of a Florida retirement community as a place to play canasta, or Mah Jongg, or go out for early-bird dinners.

Leonie thought she'd murdered her famous, wealthy husband."I killed him," she wails to her friend Ann. "I let him eat chocolate ice cream, even though the doctor said it'd kill him. Then, when his face dropped in the bowl, I just left him there, and he drowned."Leonie didn't kill him, of course, but after the wake--with its memorable and delicious chocolate brown theme--she learns that he'd gambled away all their money. Now she wishes she had, indeed, done the dirty deed.A former waitress in a truck stop, she isn't equipped to earn enough to keep up the mansion she shared with her husband, but her friends talk her into putting her home to work. Specifically, the home becomes a bordello-spa with one important difference: here, the women are serviced by the men."All we have to do is get the mayor's and police chief's wives to join the club and nobody can touch us," Ann says. She's right, but life at the mansion turns out to be anything but idyllic. There are police raids, a nosy, dog hating woman living next door, and a houseful of gorgeous hunks trying to make every woman's fantasies come true.The trials, the tribulations, and adventures of Leonie and her friends will have you laughing out loud. You won't put down this entertaining caper of a book until you've finished every last page.

The victims of a brutal, tortured serial killer are piling up in the affluent town of Boca Raton, Florida. Residents are terrified. Police are mystified. Why is this deranged person singling out petite, young blondes? Why are their index fingers cut off as trophies after they've been raped and strangled?Leading the investigation is Homicide Detective Catherine Delaney and her sexy partner Cody O'Dell. Raped as a teenager, Catherine is desperate to catch this killer before another young woman is murdered. Adding to her frustration is Cody's chauvinist attitude towards women in law enforcement, as well as her undeniable attraction to that maddening man.The Index Killer moves at breakneck speed, with thrilling intrigue and romantic tension that'll keep you fascinated and guessing.About the author: Barbara Bixon (writing as A.R. Alan) is a born storyteller. Even in first grade, she became notorious for scribbling stories on scraps of paper. When she wasn't doing that, she'd have her nose buried in a book, soaking up other peoples' stories. Reading and writing novels became lifelong passions, and she's currently finishing her eleventh novel.Worldwide travel and a career that brought her into contact with a never-ending stream of interesting personalities and celebrities fanned her already fertile imagination over the years and validate the vivid, often zany characters that people her novels.Barbara is also an avid environmentalist and played a major role in saving a New Jersey/New York mountain range from developers. It will remain open space forever.Previously writing under the name of B.B. Carter and currently as A.R. Alan, she has had many short stories, poems and novels published. She's also sold comedic material to Joan Rivers.Screenplays available for: The House of Cupcakes, The CB (Chocolate Brown) Social Club, and Do I Flaunt My Fat, or Jump Off a Bridge?Barbara would love to hear from her readers. You can contact her at: [email protected] check out her website: aralanbooks.com

In A.R. Alan's The Flight of Snookems, sizzling romance, rollicking humor, and a chilling mystery unfold at break-neck speed.Red-haired, green-eyed Meredith Dixon is gorgeous and men flock to her like ants to a picnic basket. Unfortunately, so do troubles. Very big troubles, like murder.Since her move to Sutton Place where she shares an apartment with Lulu, a diminutive black ex-hooker, she's followed by mysteries and mayhem. First, she's suspected of doing away with Bubbles, a notorious nymphomaniac, and no sooner is she found innocent of that crime, than she's smack into another mystery. This time it's Snookems, Lulu's lover, who suffers an untimely death.Naturally, Meredith and her wacky team of lovable misfits set out to find the murderer among a sinister cast of mobsters and drug dealers.This new adventure involving Meredith and her lovable, kooky friends is every bit as entertaining as The Mad House on Sutton Place, the first book in this series.

The Mad House On Sutton Place is a screwball comedy mixed with a mystery and lots of romance.When Merrie Dixon flees from her abusive husband after filing for divorce, she heads to Manhattan where her brother has rented a room for her in a swanky Sutton Place apartment. Unfortunately, the building isn't upscale and her roommate turns out to be a 4'10" eccentric, black ex-hooker named Lulu, whose decorating business is in the toilet because she only decorates in black.A few days after settling into her all-black bedroom, Merrie discovers a body stuffed in the basement's clothes dryer, and the tall redhead looks a lot like her. Now Merrie's terrified that her husband has hired a hit man to knock her off so he can keep all of their assets.To make matters worse, Merrie is the police's prime suspect, so it's up to her, Lulu, and her two gay midget friends to find the killer. As the oddball friends try to solve the murder, Merrie finds herself pursued by two very sexy and eligible bachelors, both of whom make her toes curl and her heart race.

It's in the middle of a snowy winter, so why is dense, greasy smoke billowing up from a remote wooded area that's only frequented by summer vacationers? When the local fire company investigates, lifelong friends, Mary, Emily, and Carla scramble to explain what one of the firemen calls "that delicious smell."The truth is that it's Charlie, Mary's husband, who smells so good. He's roasting in the roaring fire, but that's not all. Emily's and Carla's husbands have already met the same fate.Buy why? In Fireflies, sitting around the blazing bonfire, the three women finally confide in each other, and a spellbinding tale of abuse and sex addiction emerges. You'll cry with them as they reveal their dark secrets, laugh at their hilarious antics, forgive them their sins, and root for them to escape justice.

Buckle your seat belt. You're in for a wild ride in Fireflies Two--Vat 9. In this sequel to Fireflies, A.R. Alan continues the saga of Mary, Carla, and Emily, who've killed their abusive husbands and roasted the bodies in a merry bonfire.They don't have to wait long to make good on their pledge to help women and children escape abuse. Mary meets a battered little boy, who desperately needs help and enrolls her friends in a plan of action. They march to the boy's home to demand that the parents stop the abuse. They're too late. Afraid of her husband's violent bullying, the mother has stabbed him to death.The husband is a cop, and the last thing that Mary, Carla, and Emily need is the scrutiny of the law. There's only one solution. They must get rid of the body. That turns out to be harder than they thought. Everything goes wrong, with hilarious results. In between all the wild and wacky drama, romance comes to the three friends and the plot thickens when the First Lady of the United States unknowingly gets sucked into their escapade.

Kisses To Die For is an irresistible romp of sexy romance, zany characters, and chilling dance. You won't put the book down until the very last page.When Angelica "Angel" Collins buys a picture-perfect Victorian country house with every cent of her inheritance, she plans to turn the adjoining carriage house into a quaint caf . But the beautiful, naive young woman soon learns that everything isn't as idyllic as she expected.The peaceful little town on the banks of the Hudson River has a serial killer on the loose, her house desperately needs expensive repairs, and it's haunted by a rose-scented woman and a scraggly gray cat.To make matters worse, Angel has barely moved in when she meets McLean, a sexy, irritating, marriage-phobic cop whose kisses set her body on fire. But is the devastatingly handsome hunk really interested in her, or is he after the Chocolate Kiss serial killer who's left his warning silver-covered chocolates scattered on her doorstep?

I See Things is a fast-paced thriller with lots of twists and turns that will keep you guessing until the very last page.Homicide Detectives Catherine Delaney and Cody O'Dell get a call from a woman who says she's had a vision of a dark-haired teenager being abducted outside a Target store, and the girl is now a prisoner in a snake-filled room. Convinced the woman is a kook, the detectives write her off. That is, until Hillary Blackstone is reported missing the following morning.Unfortunately, beautiful Hillary Blackstone is only the first girl to be abducted by this twisted, sexual deviant. When this madman is finished playing sick games with his victims, he injects them with snake venom and then tosses their ravaged bodies into a canal. When the psychic warns Delaney and O'Dell that another girl is in the snake room, and that she's alive and trying to escape, a frantic search ensues to find her before it's too late.

Matilda "Mat" Anastasia Carvel is a very talented and ambitious portrait-painter, but she's also young and naive. After ditching her dysfunctional Arkansas family and helping herself to a new wardrobe from a Salvation Army dumpster, she runs away to New York City.Mat soon finds herself engulfed in the chaotic pace of Manhattan. Between sharing a roach-infested basement apartment with two ditzy sisters, a rich bag lady, and a cross-dressing gay couple, she winds up supporting the slackers by painting portraits of customers at Tony's Pizzeria, pampered poodles, and homeless vagabonds.Mat doesn't mind helping out her new friends, but she's frustrated because she doesn't have time to find "Mr. Right" and rid herself of her virginal status. With advice from a colorful homeless lady who claims to have sex with aliens in Central Park, Mat finds her soul mate.Manhattan Madness is a hilarious, fast-paced story of unique characters and action that will have you chuckling or even laughing out loud until the very last page.About the Author: A.R. Alan is a born storyteller. Even in first grade, she became notorious for scribbling stories on scraps of paper. When she wasn't doing that, she'd have her nose buried in a book, soaking up other peoples' stories. Reading and writing stories became lifelong passions, and she's currently finishing her eleventh novel.Worldwide travel and a career that brought her in touch with a never-ending stream of interesting personalities and celebrities fanned her already fertile imagination over the years, and validate the vivid, multi-dimensional characters that people her novels.She is also an avid environmentalist, and played a major role in saving a New Jersey/New York mountain range from developers. It will remain open space forever.Previously writing under the name of B.B. Carter, she has had many short stories, poems, and five novels published. She has also penned comedic material for Joan Rivers.

The Mad House On Sutton Place is a screwball comedy mixed with a mystery and lots of romance.When Merrie Dixon flees from her abusive husband after filing for divorce, she heads to Manhattan where her brother has rented a room for her in a swanky Sutton Place apartment. Unfortunately, the building isn't upscale and her roommate turns out to be a 4'10" eccentric, black ex-hooker named Lulu, whose decorating business is in the toilet because she only decorates in black.A few days after settling into her all-black bedroom, Merrie discovers a body stuffed in the basement's clothes dryer, and the tall redhead looks a lot like her. Now Merrie's terrified that her husband has hired a hit man to knock her off so he can keep all of their assets.To make matters worse, Merrie is the police's prime suspect, so it's up to her, Lulu, and her two gay midget friends to find the killer. As the oddball friends try to solve the murder, Merrie finds herself pursued by two very sexy and eligible bachelors, both of whom make her toes curl and her heart race.

In A.R. Alan's The Flight of Snookems, sizzling romance, rollicking humor, and a chilling mystery unfold at break-neck speed.Red-haired, green-eyed Meredith Dixon is gorgeous and men flock to her like ants to a picnic basket. Unfortunately, so do troubles. Very big troubles, like murder.Since her move to Sutton Place where she shares an apartment with Lulu, a diminutive black ex-hooker, she's followed by mysteries and mayhem. First, she's suspected of doing away with Bubbles, a notorious nymphomaniac, and no sooner is she found innocent of that crime, than she's smack into another mystery. This time it's Snookems, Lulu's lover, who suffers an untimely death.Naturally, Meredith and her wacky team of lovable misfits set out to find the murderer among a sinister cast of mobsters and drug dealers.This new adventure involving Meredith and her lovable, kooky friends is every bit as entertaining as The Mad House on Sutton Place, the first book in this series.

Lillian, a gorgeous 35-year-old redhead, suburban housewife, and renowned klutz, is the last to know that her marriage is over. Her husband, Fred, is a skirt-chasing tyrant, and Lillian-who is bored to tears tending her home and family-gets herself a job at the small law firm of Galluchi, Galluchi, and Schwartz.This decision starts Lillian off on the road from one madcap adventure to another.Like the time she joins a client to discuss business over dinner, only to be plied with a meal that's drenched in wine and liquor, then lured up to his hotel room. On another evening, Lillian is dashing out of the Waldorf Astoria Hotel during a fire alarm, wearing nothing more than a towel. If it isn't liquor or fires, we see Lillian jumping out of an exploding yacht into the chilly Hudson River. As Lillian's klutziness keeps getting her into one mess after another, she finally comes to the realization that there's more to life than an unhappy marriage, and more to living than the line-up of Tuesday and Friday garbage cans, or men with one-track minds and third-rate jobs.Lillian is finally off on the fast track, to a life that's entirely her own.