Whether she is being dry-humped by a sumo masseur, dumped by her Big Red experiment or kicked out of a London restaurant with her pants down, Chelsea is always armed with an unshakeable disregard for rules and is incapable of leading a quiet life. Are You There Vodka?
Welcome to Chelsea Handler's world--a place where absurdity reigns supreme and a quick wit is the best line of defense. When Chelsea Handler needs to get a few things off her chest, she appeals to a higher power--vodka. Seems reasonable, when considering that she discovered her boyfriend was having an affair with a Peekapoo and she had to pretend to be honeymooning with her father in order to upgrade to first class. In this highly entertaining, deliciously skewed collection, Chelsea mines her past for stories about her family, relationships, and career that are at once singular and ridiculous. Whether she's convincing her third-grade class that she has been chosen to play Goldie Hawn's daughter in the sequel to Private Benjamin, deciding to be more egalitarian by dating a redhead, or looking out for a foulmouthed, rum-swilling little person who looks just like her...only smaller, Chelsea has a knack for getting herself into the most outrageous situations. Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea showcases the candor and irresistible turns of phrase that have made her one of the freshest voices in comedy today.
Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men... Lots of them. This work chronicles Chelsea's romps through the bedrooms of a host of potential suitors, uncovering what can happen in one night of passion between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated woman.
In hilarious and tender essays, #1 New York Times bestselling author Chelsea Handler shares her unforgettable story of becoming the woman she always wanted to be. There's a woman I want to become, Chelsea Handler thought as a child. She'll be strong and confident. She'll light up a room and spread that light to make others feel better. She'll make a living being herself. She'll be a survivor. At ten years old, Chelsea opened a lemonade stand and realized she'd make more money if the drinks were spiked. So she added vodka to her recipe and used her earnings to upgrade herself to first-class on a family vacation--leaving her parents and siblings in coach. She moved to Los Angeles and got fired from her temp job when she admitted she didn't know how to transfer calls. She's played pickleball with the scions of an American dynasty. She's sexted a governor. She shared psychedelics with strangers in Spain. When she accidentally ended up at dinner with Woody Allen, she was not going to leave the table without asking him a very personal pointed question. She went on national television and talked about having threesomes. She's never been one to hold back. But this life of adventure and absurdity is only part of her story. Chelsea knows what it is to truly show up for her family--canine and human, biological and chosen. She's discovered how to spend time with herself, how to meditate, how to be open to love, and how to end a relationship with dignity. She is a sister to the many women who rely on her. Surprisingly vulnerable and always outrageous, Chelsea Handler captures the antic-filled, exhilarating, and joyful life she's built--a life that makes the rest of us think, I'll have what she's having.
In this uproarious collection of travel essays, Chelsea Handler sneaks her sharp wit through airport security and delivers her most absurd and hilarious stories ever. On safari in Africa, it's anyone's guess as to what's more dangerous: the wildlife or Chelsea. But whether she's fumbling the seduction of a guide by not knowing where tigers live (Asia, duh) or wearing a bathrobe into the bush because her clothes stopped fitting seven margaritas ago, she's always game for the next misadventure. The situation gets down and dirty as she defiles a kayak in the Bahamas, and outright sweaty as she escapes from a German hospital on crutches. When things get truly scary, like finding herself stuck next to a passenger with bad breath, she knows she can rely on her family to make matters even worse. Thank goodness she has the devoted Chunk by her side-except for the time she loses him in Telluride. Complete with answers to the most frequently asked traveler's questions, hot travel trips, and travel etiquette, none of which should be believed, Uganda Be Kidding Me has Chelsea taking on the world, one laugh-out-loud incident at a time.
In this raucous collection of personal stories, the bestselling author of Life Will Be the Death of Me recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand. You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool. Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.
