Kirjahaku

What in the clam shell does a Mermaid have to do to find true love?I'm bored. And if I'm being honest, I'm jealous. I want my sister to have her happily ever after. I do. But I want my own adventures and my own true love. For two hundred years I've suffered through one immortal asshat after another while stuck on Mystical Isle. And while running a tourist trap for humans might be entertaining, I'm never going to find my true love in this sea of monotony.Of course, there is a Selkie... the sexiest most idiotic man-seal I've ever had the misfortune of swimming across-definitely an asshat. Unfortunately, the dork still invades my dreams on a regular basis.I finally have a shot at an adventure. I must save our island home. However, the mission is to seek out the very Selkie who stole my heart... the same asshat whose Johnson I'd tried to truncate.Holy hell and seashells. Only I would agree to a tsunami waiting to happen.Ask any tuna you happen to see... Who's the craziest Mermaid? That would be me.

What's love got to do with it? If you're Cupid, everything. If you're me, not a thing in the sea. I don't believe in love.Poseidon is smoking some bad seaweed if he expects me to take the one job I'm obviously not qualified for. Rumor has it, Cupid is a chubby baby with a bad attitude. That's all I need. A pissed off porcine toddler with love arrows gunning for my tail because I took his job.On top of that, the idiot I'm kind of seeing who shall remain nameless-mostly because I don't know his name... don't judge-left red and silver magic all over my skin and hair last time we... umm...went on a date. And guess what? It doesn't wash off.Poseidon saw me sparkling away and now I'm freakin' Cupid. Getting to the bottom of this abyss means finding what's his name and thrashing his fine, smexy behind with my fin.Why does this send shivers of delight all the way to the tip of my tail you might ask? I have no clue and no time to figure it out. Don't judge.I'm about to give love a bad name.

I need a new freakin' job. It's not what you think. I'm desperate to resign from the Werewolf Treaty Federation aka WTF. Don't judge. I didn't name this crew of misfit Shifters so hear me out. After investigating a deadly Jazz Cabbage outbreak, I discover we need a necromancing Demon to help solve the crime. As luck would have it, my gay Vampyre BFF, Dwayne, dated one of these gems several decades ago. Seems all we need to do is summon his evil butt into this plane of existence and poof, crisis solved. The question is, can we bring him back without causing a flesh-eating, end of the world Zombie Apocalypse? With my hunky mate, insane Granny and flamboyant Dwayne by my side, we have no choice but to succeed. If we don't, the reveal of our existence to the human world is imminent. We are Shifters. Werewolves. WTF. Shift Happens all the time. But this time, we're making sure only good shift goes down.

Released from the magic pokey and paroled with limited power is enough to make any witch grumpy. However, if you throw in a recently resurrected cat, a lime-green Kia and a sexy egotistical werewolf, it's enough to make a gal fly off the edge. Not to mention a mission...with no freaking directions. So here I sit in Asscrack, West Virginia trying to figure out how to complete my mysterious mission before All Hallows Eve when I'll get turned into a mortal. The animals in the area are convinced I'm the Shifter Whisperer (whatever the hell that is) and the hotter-than- asphalt-in-August werewolf thinks I'm his mate. Now apparently I'm slated to save a bunch of hairy freaks of nature? If they think I'm the right witch for the job, they've swallowed some bad brew.

Planning my own wedding should mean I'm having the time of my life...not defending it every time I turn around. Dragons, feral Wolves and Were Cows...I mean who in the hell knew Were Cows even existed? All I wanna do is marry Hank, have 2.5 beautiful little Werewolf babies and live happily ever after while having sex on a very regular basis. Oh...and I still want to shoot stuff occasionally. Apparently no one got the memo. Instead of complaining about the price of flowers, cakes and the fact that my gay Vampyre BFF, Dwayne insists on wearing a dress at my nuptials, I'm locked and loaded trying to ascertain who wants my ass six feet under. With Hank at my side and some surprising allies at our disposal, we will take on the bad dudes...one bloody clusterhump of a sucktastic battle at a time. No one ever said the Werewolf life was going to be easy, but this week we couldn't catch a break if it bit us in the ass...

Witches and glitches and testicle obsessed cats... Oh my. One dilemma down and approximately 74,876,283 to go. I think being the Shifter Whisperer is hard-or Shifter Wanker as I enjoy referring to my new job-but healing wounded Shifters is easy compared to finding and eliminating the lurking freaking evil. Throw in a ghost, a potentially explosive ex-cellmate, a long lost dad and a smokin' hot werewolf who's convinced he's my mate, and suddenly it's party time-from hell. And this is my mission? Life is getting messy and I don't do messy. With feelings I didn't know I was capable of having, and the word love being thrown around like a football on Super Bowl Sunday, poofing away with a magical twitch of my nose is becoming more appealing by the moment. But to show I'm not a weenie, I'm gonna pull up my big girl panties and hurl some fireballs at Baba Yaga's older than dirt warlock posse if they don't pony up the info I need. If I don't burn the town of Assjacket down while trying to save it, I'm donning my red cape and playing who's the big bad wolf with a for real wolf who's hotter than any fireball. I just pray to the Goddess my heart doesn't get burned in the process...

You think your job is tedious? Try being the Harbinger of Evil for a day.I dare you... What's the Devil to do when his fire no longer burns away his sins and Fate is screwing with his... well, fate? Easy-lie, cheat, steal and dictate my questionably accurate autobiography slash romance novel to my unwilling and outstandingly rude Vampyre niece. Welcome to my Hell. A mysterious darkness is gunning for me and this time it might prevail, but I have little time to worry about that. Instead of seeking it out, I shall simply go about business as usual. If it's fated, it will find me. My list is long. Traveling to Earth to promote my bestselling romance novel at an alarming book convention where I must protect my privates from the rabid lady readers is enough to frighten even the Devil. Not to mention, I have to avoid my insane mother like the plague and catch the smart-mouthed, gorgeous soul seller on Earth-who may or may not be someone I'd like to keep. So today is a day like any other. Punishments must be doled out and chaos must be encouraged. A vacation would be lovely, but there is no rest for the weary... or the evil. Luckily I know how to have an outstanding time doing outrageously bad things. Thank Hades, I'm a handsome bastard. There is no fated happily ever after for the Prince of Darkness, no matter what ridiculous ending my niece slaps onto my autobiography. Or is there? Fate is a bitch, but she usually gets it right.

What's a witch to do when her magic is on the fritz and there's a huge pile of laundry to be done? Easy. Flood the entire house. Everyone wants a bubbly indoor freakin' swimming pool... right? Just when everything is right in my life, something has to go wrong-times three. Number one: an unknown evil force wants to steal my power. Now, instead of protecting and healing the whacked out inhabitants of Assjacket, my power has wonked out on me and I've blasted ginormous holes all over town. Not to mention Roger the Rabbit is now sporting a pentagon of penii thanks to me and is keen on contacting the Guinness Book of World Records.Unacceptable.Armed with questionable voodoo skills and seriously frayed nerves, I'm Two: gonna do what any partially-sane, potty-mouthed, witch would do... I'm calling in the semi-evil, butt-ugly Bermangoggleshitz to train me. The warlock's penchant for push-ups makes me hate him with the fire of a thousand suns, but if I can't control my dark magic, it will control me.Way unacceptable.With Sassy and Cookie Witch by my side, I'll Three: get a handle on my dark voodoo-or doodoo as I've renamed it-so Assjacket won't end up as one massive crater. And I need all the help I can get. An evil like we've never seen is gunning for us-specifically me.Wildly unacceptable.We'll be the Three Amigos. The Three Musketeers. The Three Stooges. Whatever. As the saying goes...three's a crowd, three's company, three's a party. Nope. Three's a charm. And I'm gonna turn it on for all I'm worth.