Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

'One of the funniest writers in the land ... Schmidt Happens will be lapped up by fans' Irish IndependentI've had some pretty bad New Year's Eves in my life. But this one was officially... The! Worst! Ever!My wife had just given birth to a baby that wasn't mine. My son had just walked out on his bride-to-be on the eve of their wedding. And my old dear was making threats of revenge against me for allowing her to choke on the olive from her breakfast Martini.Throw into the mix three infant sons who were banned from every public park and children's play centre in the city; a father who was working with dodgy Russian business interests to put himself in the Taoiseach's office; and a daughter who was about to do something truly shocking - even by her standards.But then, one day, totally out of the blue, I received a very unexpected phone call...And let's just say that Schmidt got real.'Ross is a national institution, and his adventures continue to chart the foibles and fortunes of modern-day Dublin with wicked humour and sharp observation' Irish Times'Hilarious' Woman's Way

'Ireland's finest comic creation since Father Ted' Hot PressI was a rugby player with a great future behind me. A 35-year-old father-of-five with an expanding waistline, who was trying to survive the bloody battlefield we call life. My son was locked in a violent turf war with a rival Love/Hate tour operator, my daughter was in love with a boy who looked like Justin Bieber, and my old dear was about to walk up the aisle with a 92-year-old billionaire who thought it was still 1936.I was, like, staring down the barrel of middle age with the contentment of knowing that I was the greatest Irish rugby player who no one in Ireland had ever actually heard of. Until a chance conversation with an old Jesuit missionary made me realize that it wasn't enough.I was guided, as if by GPS, to a muddy field in - let's be honest - Ballybrack. And there I finally discovered my destiny - to keep a struggling Seapoint team in Division 2B of the All Ireland League. Or die trying.'Hides a heart of darkness beneath the layers of craic and great gas and great story-telling and human warmth. Ross O'Carroll-Kelly is Ireland!' Irish Times'A cracking and hilariously witty read' Irish Independent'Book after book, Ross O'Carroll-Kelly delivers the goods ... Howard is in a league of his own' Sunday Business Post

Like the great Jesus Christ himself, I had a lot of shit on my mind when I hit 33 ...I had three new-born future Ireland internationals to feed, a daughter in need of psychiatric evaluation and a teenage son obsessed with uncovering the shameful secrets of our family's 1916 past.Throw into the mix a sister missing in Orgentina, a wife struggling to lose the weight from her orse and an interfering father-in-law living under my roof.You can see why, like the Son of God, my life had become a major hassle.And just when I thought it couldn't get any more difficult, a moment of madness involving - what else? - the opposite sex persuaded Sorcha that I needed to have the unkindest cut of all.Seedless in Seattle is the fifteenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series. Ross books - annual No 1 best-sellers - have sold over half a million copies, are annually nominated for the Popular Fiction prize at the Irish Book Awards - where they have won the prize an unprecedented three times - and are also critically acclaimed as satirical masterpieces.

My friend, Fionn, was being held hostage in, I don't know, Unganga Nanga, and the Government was refusing to send in a team of marines to extract him. Pack of focking cauliflower worriers ...I wouldn't have minded being bound and gagged in a basement - just for some peace and quiet. My wife was up the spout again. My daughter had grown into a mix between Suri Cruise and a Chucky doll. And one or two other chickens - well, birds - were coming home to roost.Suddenly, I realized what I had to do - go and get Fionn back.Except what I didn't realize was that Unganga Nanga was no country for old tens.

THE NO 1 BESTSELLERThe final instalment in the Ross O'Carroll-Kelly series* * *It looked like it was Game Over for the Rossmeister General.I was staring down the barrel of the big four-oh! And what did I have to show for it?I was an out-of-work rugby coach who was soon to be divorced. My old dear was sliding away in a nursing home in a certain suburb of West Dublin. And my old man had brought the country to the verge of, like, nuclear annihilation.And if that wasn’t bad enough, my teenage daughter was in love again. My sister-in-law was about to give birth to a baby that was possibly mine. And Castlerock College was about to go – I can’t even say the word – co-ed.People kept saying that we were facing Ormageddon. But I was like, ‘Hey, it’s not the end of the world.’Because Father Fehily used to say, ‘Sometimes good things come to an end so that better things can come to a beginning.’* * *‘Paul Howard’s swansong to the greatest sequence of novels of our time.’ John Boyne, Sunday Independent'Paul Howard is a genius' Irish Independent'Ross is a national institution' Irish Times 'One of the funniest writers in the land' Irish Independent 'I hope this series runs for decades' Belfast Telegraph 'An extraordinary run of sustained comedic excellence . . . brilliant' Irish Times'He will remain one of our great literary characters' Irish Times

THE NUMBER 1 BESTSELLER - AND THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE ROSS O'CARROLL-KELLY FAN IN YOUR LIFE!'Ross is a national institution' - Irish Times'The social satire is as sharp as it gets ... compelling and carefully crafted' Irish Examiner 'One of the funniest writers in the country' - RTÉ Radio One* * *'The name's O'Carroll-Kelly. Ross O'Carroll-Kelly.'As the great James Bond said, 'History isn't kind to men who play God.' How right the dude ended up being.My secret double-life was finally catching up with me. Sorcha wanted a divorce. I was facing jail time for taking my orse out in a pub in Cork. And there was a very good chance that my sister-in-law's surrogate baby was actually mine?One by one, all of the goys turned their backs on me.Then came an unexpected plot twist. From beyond the grave, Fr Fehily - the M and the Q to our Leinster Schools Senior Cup-winning team - sent us all on one final mission . . .To walk the Camino - or die trying!It's, like, double oh fock!* * *'Laugh-out-loud funny' - Anton Savage, Newstalk 'A legendary anti-hero' - Business Post'Ripe with witty neologisms, side-splitting sexscriptions and of course, rugby ... Paul Howard continues to keep the quality control at an impressively high level. Fair focks' Hot Press

THE NUMBER 1 BESTSELLER - AND THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE ROSS O'CARROLL-KELLY FAN IN YOUR LIFE!'Ross is a national institution' - Irish Times'The social satire is as sharp as it gets ... compelling and carefully crafted' Irish Examiner 'One of the funniest writers in the country' - RTÉ Radio One* * *'The name's O'Carroll-Kelly. Ross O'Carroll-Kelly.'As the great James Bond said, 'History isn't kind to men who play God.' How right the dude ended up being.My secret double-life was finally catching up with me. Sorcha wanted a divorce. I was facing jail time for taking my orse out in a pub in Cork. And there was a very good chance that my sister-in-law's surrogate baby was actually mine?One by one, all of the goys turned their backs on me.Then came an unexpected plot twist. From beyond the grave, Fr Fehily - the M and the Q to our Leinster Schools Senior Cup-winning team - sent us all on one final mission . . .To walk the Camino - or die trying!It's, like, double oh fock!* * *'Laugh-out-loud funny' - Anton Savage, Newstalk 'A legendary anti-hero' - Business Post'Ripe with witty neologisms, side-splitting sexscriptions and of course, rugby ... Paul Howard continues to keep the quality control at an impressively high level. Fair focks' Hot Press

'FUNNIEST YET!' IRISH EXAMINERA love affair born in rural Ireland! Two mismatched lovers, locked in a relationship that will change both of them . . . forever! Ross O'Carroll-Kelly was brought up to believe that Gaelic games were invented for people too stupid to understand the laws of rugby. Little did he know that one day he would become a legend of Kerry football. But then, his life has taken a lot of unexpected twists and turns. His father is the Taoiseach of the country. His wife is an actual Government Minister. And his suddenly teenage daughter is heading for the Gaeltacht - and her very first rugby boyfriend. And then there's Marianne . . . Of course, Ross was too busy becoming a Gaelic football star to realise that his family - like the entire country - was being pushed towards a cliff edge. And he was the only man capable of saving Ireland's democracy. Which is just like, 'Fooooooock!'__________________________'I hope this series runs for decades' BELFAST TELEGRAPH'Ross is a national institution' IRISH TIMES

The No 1 Bestseller!When a shameless rugby legend and a distinguished grey lady get together sparks are bound to fly. And when that legend is South Dublin's favourite socialite, Ross O'Carroll-Kelly, and the grey lady is the Irish Times, the result is, well, legendary. From locked-in in Donnybrook to locked-down in Killiney, Ross and the old gal have been through a lot. Now, you can enjoy the very best of his efforts to keep her entertained . . . - His adventures with the Mount Anville Moms WhatsApp group- His daughter Honor's infamous production of South Side Story- His father's court battles with Denis O'Brien- His wife Sorcha's efforts to force her banana bread on the neighbours- His son Ronan's attempt to make it as a Mixed Martial Arts fighterFrom the sheer joy of taking his feral triplets to their first Ireland v. England match, to the sheer misery of Kiely's pub (his spiritual home) closing down, to the pants-shitting tension of taking Honor to Electric Picnic - they're all here!And this new edition includes all new material from 2021 - lest we forget!As the Grey Lady herself would no doubt say: 'That was some ride, Ross!' ______________________________ 'The single greatest chronicler of our times' Irish Independent'A terrific collection' Pat Kenny, Newstalk

I felt like I was living in a world teetering on the brink ...Life as a stay-in-bed husband turned out to be a lot more complicated than I expected. My wife was pregnant with a baby that possibly wasn't mine. My old man was engaged in a war with the feminist movement that he was never going to win. And my old dear was making a lot of unexplained trips to Russia.Throw into the mix an eldest son with a possible sex addiction and three infant sons who were so thick they made me look like Edward Einstein.I might have actually gone over the edge if it wasn't for the belief of my daughter and the challenge of helping her win the greatest prize that South Dublin has to offer - the Strictly Mount Anville glitter ball.

'Predictably fockin' brilliant' Hot PressIt's the end of the world as Ross knows it ... this time, there's no way of escaping another monumental fock-up!Sorcha had thrown me out of the family home - this time apparently for good. And yet that was the least of my worries ...My old dear was in prison, accused of murdering her second husband. My sons were showing an unhealthy interest in - someone call social services - soccer! And my daughter wanted everyone to call her Eddie. But don't even go there!On top of all that, a blond wig discovered in a dusty attic, had given my old man delusions of power. Suddenly, he was running for election, promising to tear up the bailout deal and take Ireland out of Europe. And that's to say nothing of his secret plan for Ireland's second city ...But shush! Don't mention the wall!'Our nation's great satirist ... the most sustained feat of comic writing in Irish literature' Irish Times

So there I was, roysh, enjoying college life, college birds and, like, a major amount of socialising. Then, roysh, the old pair decide to mess everything up for me. And we're talking totally here. Don't ask me what they were thinking. I hadn't, like, changed or treated them any differently, but the next thing I know, roysh, I'm out on the streets. Another focking day in paradise for me! If it hadn't been for Oisinn's apartment in Killiney, the old man paying for my Golf GTI, JP's old man's job offer and all the goys wanting to buy me drink, it would have been, like, a complete mare. Totally. But naturally, roysh, you can never be sure what life plans to do to you next. At least, it came as a complete focking surprise to me … The life and times of Ross O'Carroll-Kelly, cult hero.

So there I was, roysh, putting the 'in' in 'in crowd', hanging out, pick of the babes, bills from the old pair to fund the lifestyle I, like, totally deserve. But being a schools rugby legend has its downsides, roysh, like all the total knobs wanting to chill in your, like, reflected glory, and the bunny-boilers who decide they want to be with me and won't take, like, no for an answer. And we're talking totally here. Basically, it may look like a champagne bath with, like, Nell McAndrew, with, like, no clothes and everything, but I can tell you, roysh, those focking bubbles can burst. And when they do … OH MY GOD! Ross O'Carroll-Kelly is all meat and no preservatives, roysh, at least, that's what it says in the can in, like, one particular south Dublin girls' school, which shall remain nameless, roysh, basically to protect the names of the guilty. You know who you are. With a new introduction by Paul Howard, Ross's representative on, loike, earth?

So there I was, roysh, twenty-three years of age, still, like, gorgeous and rich, living off my legend as a schools rugby player, scoring the birds, being the man, when all of a sudden, roysh, life becomes a total mare. I don't have a Betty Blue what's wrong, but I can't eat, can't sleep, I don't even want to do the old beast with two backs, which means a major problem, and we're talking big time here. Normally my head is so full of, like thoughts, but now I'm down to just one: Sorcha, I'm playing it Kool and the Gang, but this is basically scary. I mean, I'm Ross O'Carroll-Kelly, for fock's sake, I don't do love. With a new introduction by Paul Howard, Ross's representative on, loike, earth.

Since inheriting a pile in Killiney, Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - schools rugby legend, lover of the ladeez and award-winning author - can add a new string to his not inconsiderable (you know what I mean) bow - lord of the manor. Downturn Abbey is the story of how he tackles his new responsibilities. Or not.The century is not yet a teenager, yet everything is shrouded in gloom. People are tightening their belts, rationing and making do. Across Europe, there is uncertainty, with the possibility of, like, serious conflict hanging in the air. Yet, amidst the splendour of Honalee - a mock-something-or-other mansion that Ross and Sorcha recently inherited - life goes on.The world is changing quickly - especially for Ross. As he stares down the barrel of middle age, he has decided that it's time to possibly do right by Sorcha and put their marriage back together.But he has even bigger challenges to face. His son has hitched his future to a family of commoners, his old dear is involved in a love affair that threatens disgrace for the family, and his daughter has turned into the worst little madam you can imagine. Oh, yeah, and he is about to become a grandfather at 31.As Sorcha embraces her new life of afternoon teas on fine bone china plates and Downton Abbey theme porties, he is suddenly wrestling with duty, loyalty and the thousands of women out there who still desire the pleasure of his company.Downturn Abbey is the thirteenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series. Ross books - annual No 1 bestsellers - have sold over half a million copies, are annually nominated for the Popular Fiction prize at the Irish Book Awards - where they have twice won the prize - and are also critically acclaimed as satirical masterpieces. Titles include The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightdress, Should have Got off at Sydney Parade, This Champagne Mojito is the Last Thing I Own, Rhino What You Did Last Summer, NAMA Mia!, The Oh My God Delusion (chosen as Ireland's favourite book in Eason's 2011 125th birthday poll) and The Shelbourne Ultimatum.

After his brush with death Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - schools rugby legend, award-winning author and lover of the ladeez - is back with a renewed lust for life - all thrillingly revealed in The Shelbourne Ultimatum.Ross wakes up from his coma to find a country that has changed beyond recognition. Shrewsbury Road has become a ghost estate. Marks and Spencer are selling microwavable coddle. And a Euro discount store is about to open in the Powerscourt Townhouse Centre. And he was only unconscious for twenty-four hours.But never mind all that. The main thing is that whoever tried to kill him missed all his vital organs. All his vital organs. And having had such a lucky escape Ross vows not to waste another minute of his life. There are thousands of women out there and just one Ross to go around. He needs to focus.Of course, life gets in the way. He has a daughter who hates him, a son who is growing up way too fast and a soon-to-be-ex wife who is resorting to increasingly desperate measures to stop the bank from repossessing the house. Oh, and the Gords - get this! - think he's lying to them.Lying? Ross?'Ross's misadventures and on-the-nose observations never fail to provoke a laugh-out-loud reaction ... bursting at the seams with spot-on parody' Irish Times'Will leave you with pains in your cheeks from laughing' RTÉ GuideThe Shelbourne Ultimatum is the twelfth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series. Ross books have sold half a million copies, are annually nominated for the Popular Fiction prize at the Irish Book Awards - where they have twice won the prize - and are also critically acclaimed as satirical masterpieces. Titles include The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightdress, Should have Got off at Sydney Parade, This Champagne Mojito is the Last Thing I Own, Rhino What You Did Last Summer, NAMA Mia! and The Oh My God Delusion. The last of these was chosen as Ireland's favourite book in Eason's 125th birthday poll.